Probably the most important news I have as of late involves me making a big life choice for myself. As many of you know, I have been through so many ups and downs in both life and weight. I struggled for a long time but never wanted to talk about it. I guess I thought I needed to be ashamed. I guess I still am. But I began realizing that my weight is not some deep dark secret...maybe I don't need to share the number on the scale, but people who see me obviously know I am not thin. What has been a secret, even to myself, is WHY I gained weight. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and figuring out to realize when things happened, when my life really took a turn, and FINALLY it is all starting to make sense. I gained weight for a lot of reasons. When I left high school, I stopped playing on sports teams, I started eating on the go between college classes and travel time and working multiple jobs and going out, I dated a person who truly (and I can finally admit this now) was abusive to me to the point that I basically lost myself, I drank...a lot (still socially but partially as a cover for sadness), I lost my brother, I was depressed for some time, and so much more. Probably the most prevalent of the many many reasons for my gains was when I was dating the person who essentially made my mind twist and turn and end up in a dark place. Recognizing that was eyeopening - he made me feel like I lost myself...and I really did to an extent. I hid. I hid in a body that was not my own. But inside of that body, Jackie was...is...still there. She is still the beating heart, the brilliant mind, the beautiful soul that lies beneath. She is dying to escape the years of hiding. She wants to dismantle this armor that surrounds her and just be free.
And so here I am now - trying to breathe beneath the smothering feel of a body that I know is not mine, trying to figure out how to get back to where I was, trying to live. I decided that I really want to embark on a lifelong journey of change and courageously accept the challenge to not hide any longer. I have a long and undeniably hard road ahead. I know that I will feel quite alone on this journey regardless of how many people surrounding me lend support. Why? Because this journey is not about losing weight...it is about removing layers, breaking through shields, loving what is beneath enough to let it resurface. I have tried to take smaller journeys before, but I know now those were misguided. I now have a focus, a pinpoint, a plan of attack. And only when I fall - which I will definitely fall - can I really use the help of others to pick me back up.
Just one week ago, I started this journey. I joined a DietBet, I ordered a Treadclimber, I started an Rich Life Poor Chick instagram, I made a choice to live healthier. When you are as far gone as I have been, these are MAJOR strides. In just one week, I have lost some pounds, stopped drinking diet coke (though I know I may return at times...it's just so darn good), started tracking my water, started adding more protein to my diet, and found real life people who inspire me with their own natural weight loss stories. I want to be able to return here to share small victories.
I am very much looking forward to seeing my strength in one of the hardest endeavors I may ever take on. I can't wait to feel the freedom of life without restriction. And, I am most ecstatic to finally be able to heal wounds that have existed far too long. Thank you for letting me share my journey with you.
